|"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
-The Perks of Being a Wallflower
“Hell is empty, and all the devils are here.”
"...Everyone’s alone in their world, because everybody’s life is different. You can send people letters, and show them photos, but they can never come to visit where you live. Unless you love them. And then they can burn it down."
Tonight I discovered a worse feeling than losing trust in someone...
Losing trust in someone is an awful feeling, and probably one of the worst. You counted on someone for something no matter what the scale of it was, and they let you down or even worse, hurt you. Sometimes you cut them off. Sometimes you forgive, but never forget. It's just an overall shitty situation that we'd all like to avoid.
Then there is losing respect. I believe respect is the worthiness that we place on people and the factor that allows us to place them in our lives accordingly. We respect some people more than others. Strangely, sometimes they don't even have to be our friends. I know people that don't even like me and vice versa, but I can honestly respect some of the work they've done. Respect is tricky like that.
Scenario 1: Recently, I believe I've forgiven (but not forgotten) someone who lied to me in the past. It was probably the greatest lie I've ever encountered, things were thrown, and sh*t went down, but now I'm over it. The only thing that keeps me from allowing this person to truly have a role in my life ever again is respect. I could never respect someone who did what this person did.
Scenario 2: I found out about some things that I never knew about a close friend. I didn't think he'd do something like that, but I was wrong. Do I feel betrayed? No, I don't have the right to. Unlike scenario 1, I trust this person with my life, but now I've just lost a good amount of respect, and I don't feel the same.
There's something about losing respect for someone that I can't shake. I thought losing trust in someone was the greatest thing that impacted me, but I guess not. Sure I feel enraged in the moment of betrayal, but when it comes to respect, it's something different, and I haven't figured out how people can redeem themselves yet, if ever.
28 Signs That You Totally Have Senioritis (Buzzfeed.com)
It pretty much describes my everyday life at this point, and I'm glad it's just a phase that everyone goes through, and not a terrible new habit I have developed.
"#21. And your test answers are starting to look like this:"
My actual notes from last week:
Chicken scratch notes that look nothing like my real handwriting, and I still don't know what steps 5-8 are.
I have also recently discovered Iwastesomuchtime.com. Guess what I'm doing right now?
Recently a lot of you guys have been posting 25 things you like about the opposite sex. I don't think I even have 25...maybe 10. Meanwhile, scrolling down my FaceBook feed, I came across "31 Reasons Beyonce And Jay-Z Are The Greatest Couple of All Time". I'm not necessarily a fan or someone that follows celebrity news. I didn't even like most of the list, but when I looked at #3, I just thought damnnn, that's what it's all about.
"3. They're Actually Best Friends". Look at them dressed so casually, and Beyonce wearing no make-up. They're just chillin' and pounding it. They look so relaxed and happy too. I think friendship is what it all comes down to. In my experience, I don't think I will ever date anyone again until we've been friends for a while. Diving into love is just too complicated & uncertain.
On weekends and days off I usually find myself going out to eat delicious food, watching Netflix at home (Psych is my new obsession), doing laundry, working on school assignments, reading about random things on wikipedia (one thing just leads to another), and just running all kinds of random errands. Every other day of the week I find myself at school from day to night either in class or at the computer lab trying to get things done. There never seems to be enough time to do the things I really want to, or when there is finally time, I'm too exhausted from completing all my obligations. A few months ago I impulsively bought 2 mini-marshmallow shooters off of Groupon for $15. Yes, marshmallow shooters. I plan on using them one day at Central Park and having a great time playing marshmallow manhunt. Last week I got my first DSLR camera (Nikon D5100). I've been wanting to get into photography for a while, and was so happy I finally got the camera, but learning takes time. Today I stumbled into Barnes and Noble and saw so many books I wanted to read and things I wanted to learn more about. It amazes me how much information is out there.
Then I started to feel sad because I knew I would have to spend the rest of this weekend working on school assignments, and when the semester ends, hopefully I would have found myself a job/internship, graduate in the fall, and hopefully be employed.
There simply isn't enough time to do all the things we want to in life because we are slaves to the order that has been put into place way before our existence. In order to survive, we must go to school to qualify for a decent paying job just to sustain the rest of our lives, but if we're lucky we'll have enough to do the things we always wanted to on our limited vacation days. I feel trapped in a cage, and that cage is called reality.
I want to write a novel, go to museums, spend time drawing, kill time exploring central park, wander the city, shoot people with marshmallows, eat delicious things, go on a road trip, find hidden treasures, learn about holistic healing, redecorate my apartment, clean out the things I've been hoarding for years, make jewelry, read books that will inspire me (or even finish the ones I've started a long time ago), watch movies, meditate, read philosophical works, meet new people, create a lasting impression, impact the world in a positive way, and contemplate existence without a care in the world for the time I'm wasting.
Unfortunately, I'm an idealist and a starving adventurer. I wish there was more time.
P.S. I also wish there was time for me to color in my coloring books. Le sigh.
My entire life I was stubborn. I would rather have nothing than have something that was not exactly what I wanted. 2 weeks ago I explained to my mother that I was never happy as a child because she always tried to give me something that was “close enough or “like” what I wanted. I would rather have nothing and wait until the moment I got what I wanted. She said she understands that now. I told her I wouldn’t do that to my kids in the future. I’d either give them exactly what they wanted when they deserved it, if it was within my means, or simply not give them anything.
All my life, I was willing to wait because I truly believed in some kind of karma-like balance, and that if I continued living the way I did, always holding myself to the highest standards, things would always work out in the end. I believed that one day things would be worth the wait. I couldn’t imagine cashing out or settling for less.
I used to believe in life. I used to believe in myself. But for a long time now, I’ve given up. I got tired of waiting, but the yearning never went away. I opted out for something that wasn’t exactly what I wanted, and that left me with an even emptier feeling.
The worst part of being a sellout is knowing I’ve betrayed myself and the standards I set, and honestly knowing that I’d rather have something than nothing at this point.
How do I start believing again when it seems like I've waited forever for something that isn't coming?